Remembering Those I Lost

By: Sarah MacDonald

It's been almost a decade since I lost my little cousin, she was 12 years old when she passed  away. It took one full year plus one week from the time she caught a cold (the cold is what caused the infection) to the time she passed.   

I can't even begin tell you how much I still think about my sweet cousin. My children play with some of her old stuffed animals my uncle gave me after she passed. I have a small piece of her artwork hanging off my rear view mirror. I keep little reminds of her around, because I miss her. 

I had a few friends over a couple of months ago when my own mother was visiting me. We made a HUGE Indian meal for friends, and everyone enjoyed some great conversation. During this conversation my friend brought up keepsakes. Out of nowhere I shared a story about a special keepsake charm that I carry around with me everywhere I go! Even as a Flight Attendant I would carry it around in my airline ID badge. That evening, after dinner, I logged on to Facebook to read my uncles post about it being ten years since my cousin had passed away. I had not shared that story in a group setting before, so I found it to be such a coincidence that I shared my story about her on that particular evening. 

Anyways, my cousin was a lovely, fun, creative, sweet little girl and I still miss her every day.

Which comes to my biggest fear, the loss of my own children. I know it's irrational to worry about, they are perfectly healthy, but it scares me more than anything. I know I can't control the future, I can just do my best to teach them about safety and keep them healthy, but what if something terrible happened? Again, I know it's not good to live in this mindset. I try not to think about it, but I can't help myself sometimes. 

We have lovely family friends who lost their only child when he was in his mid twenties. I can't even imagine what that would be like. How does one cope with such a loss? 

I often think about my friend who passed away at the age of 19 while on his way home. The accident immediately took his life. 

Again, how did his parent, his siblings deal with his passing? 
How do mothers that have miscarriages cope? How do they move forward from such a loss? 
Is there a healthy way to deal with loss? Whether we lose a child, a relative, a friend, a coworker, a grandparent, an acquaintance, we have all lost someone. 

I would like to know about healthy grieving methods, because loss affects every Mother I know. Also, how do we teach our children healthy grieving methods when their great grandparents pass away? How do we help them make sense of this type of situation? Death happens, and as the living, we need to cope with the loss of loved ones while still functioning in our role as mothers. 

These are a few of the reasons, The Motherhood Bozeman, has decided to create 'Grief and Loss' as a topic for one of our meetings. 

You may be thinking, "well that sounds depressing", but we plan on making this meeting far from depressing. We will start with a guest speaker sharing a story about someone special they lost and how that person left a positive impacted on their lives. We will talk with a grief counsellor about healthy grieving methods. Can we normalize grieving? We will find out! As a group we will share lessons we learned from the lovely people that are no longer with us. We will leave this meeting with new tools to cope with grieving and be filled up with lovely stories about fond memories and life lessons. We will support Mothers in our own community. 

If you have a topic that is special to you or something you would like to hear more about, please contact The Motherhood Bozeman and we will try to make your topic a blog or even an event! We want to talk about what you want to hear about. 

We can be reached on our Facebook site or emailed directly at: themotherhoodbozeman@gmail.com

Getting to know each other...

Written by: From one Mother to Another

Today, I sat down with the founder of The Motherhood to get to know her a little more! She is a funny, sarcastic, sailor-like talking mom. But she is real and when she opens up gave me a honest look at who she really is! Thank you for the latte Jazmin, I will certainly take you up on that stiffer drink when you are off-call!

(the picture above is missing one of her kids. Jazmin shared that when the picture was taken he was sleeping in)

Where are you from?

Las Vegas, Nevada. We just moved here after living in Alabama for about 10 years. Montana is home, probably my forever home. I don't ever want to leave the mountains!

Are you married? If so for how long?

Yup! My husband and I have been together for almost 19 years and have been married for almost 17 years! Honestly, I can't believe he has put up with me for that long! I am not an easy person to get along with. He probably wouldn't say that (maybe?) but my kids, my kids will confirm that for sure. Especially my teens!

How many kids do you have?

6, 4 girls and 2 boys! I know, I know! It's a full house! Literally, yes that was a Vegas reference! let me quickly answer what everyone wants to ask! Yes, they are all mine (they all came out of my vag! Yes, they are all are biologically my husband's; we had sex at least 6 times! Yes, I have my hands full and I love it! Yes, it is loud at times but it can also be really really quiet, that's when i am scared lol! They are lovely small humans who I can't imagine my life without!

What are their ages?

14, 12, 10, 7, 5, 2! Yes, I have a teen and a toddler... I don't know what I was thinking when planning that out lol!

Do you work outside of the home?

Yes, I work at the amazing Bozeman Birth Center as a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM) I care for moms wanting to birth out-of-hospital at the birth center or at home. I also provide lactation support! My second job is as a Teacher’s Assistant (TA) for the Midwives College of Utah. Last, but not least of all, I am the founder and co-director of The Motherhood Bozeman.

What are your hobbies?

Sleeping and drinking coffee? Hahaha! I am a new roller derby girl! I am so green at it I am simply trying to stay on my skates without falling. But it is an amazing sport! My derby name is “Rule Break-Her” come see me at our home bouts!

How do you relax?

Hmm… I am terrible at relaxing! I tend to go go go go! But I do really love soaking in the hot tub staring at the beautiful mountains!

What’s your favorite color?

Red, if you know me well this makes perfect sense! I tend to be fiery and fierce. I am slightly hot headed, cynical and sarcastic. Red says all that to me!

What’s your favorite food?

I love American Chinese food and sushi! I am a sucker for a veggie roll and have developed quite an expensive habit. I now roll sushi for my family once a month or so. I get pretty intense about it and try and mimic my favorite local sushi place (who goes unnamed). I can also make amazing stir fry and egg rolls!

If you could have a drink with anyone who would it be?

I would have whiskey with Deadpool (I am a huge fan and drop one liners all the time!)

I would have coffee with Wonder Woman (I sport a WW tattoo)

And Tea with Michelle Obama (because who wouldn't want to drink tea with her?)

I figured you did specify what kind of drink so I took liberties here… I tend to be a rule breaker Bahhahahahaha!

Why are you involved in The Motherhood Bozeman?

When we moved to Bozeman, I needed and wanted to find friends. But I don’t generally fit into the play group mom circles with my large crew and all the kids different ages.  I also didn’t want friendships that stayed only at the park playground. I wanted to talk about “the” stuff that every mom goes through or feels but we are too ashamed and embarrassed to say. I thought “Hell, if I have felt this or done this how many other moms have?” I have a history of making changes and forging the way.  I met with a group of friends and we all felt the same way and we were like “shit, let’s do this!” and The Motherhood was born!

Favorite thing about being a mom?

Snuggling my babies when they sleep, feeling their little (and not so little) hands hug me close and listening to their peaceful snores and knowing I am doing something really great through them!

Least favorite thing about being a mom?

Uhm… poop, snot and vomit… yup, those are my least favorite things about being a mom!

Best mom tip?

Don’t sweat the silly shit! We have a saying in our family “let the loose end drag” meaning let the little things go. Often, I say “My kids are fed, clean-ish, are good humans and are happy.” That’s how I gauge success!

What would you like to do more of?

Sleep and relax! Play more with my kids and spend time with my partner!

What would you like to do less of?

I would like to be less busy! I am getting older (oh gawd, did I just say that?). But I can’t keep up the pace I did 20 years ago. I want to learn to slow down more, to enjoy more, to trust more and to be more vulnerable!

What’s something about people don’t know?

Hmm… the easy answer is: I have 15 tattoos, several piercings and I cuss like a sailor. But if you spend 15 minutes with me you would figure all that out!

The harder answer? I struggle with being vulnerable and making real connections. I am, actually, a really shy person and can be pretty awkward socially. I want to be the person who goes to a party and is in her element working the room but I usually the person hanging out at the bar by myself being cynical.

Oh Sh!t...!

Written by From One Mother to Another

There is a time in every parent's life when the words "oh shit!" Are very appropriate. 

Let me share a story with you. It isn't a fairy tale with a romantic happily ever after ending but I can start it with "once upon a time!"

"Once upon a time..." there was a mother sleeping peacefully in her bed sandwiched between her partner, her toddler and her two dogs. The mother is a night owl and prefers to wake up well after the sun has done its dawning. 

But this morning was different. Something roused the mother at 0400 in the morning. Just prior to when her husband normally rose for work. You see her sweet toddler woke up screaming "I is hungry! I want toast!" This was pretty unusually since said toddler also likes to sleep well after dawn. Nonetheless the mother woke up and succumbed to the toddlers toast request, as odd as it was. 

After the bread was toasted and jelly applied the partner woke up surprised to see the mother and toddler awake and nibbling toast. 

The toast was put aside by the toddler and the mother carted the sweet toddler to bed, snuggling them both under the warm blankets. 

A few minutes later her partner was fed, dressed, waving good-bye and off to work.

The beautiful quiet only lasted 2 minutes before the toddler was screaming "I is hungry" and jumped out of the bed running to the bed's foot and pausing. The mother sighed, a sigh of acceptance. "This is what today will look like" she thought and rose from the bed. The toddler rhythmically cried "I is hungry" pausing after then crying again. The frequency and tone seemed unusual and concerning now.

The mother reached the toddler and knelt down hugging the sweet screaming toddler. She discovered the toddlers belly was tight and could feel the rhythmic contracting of the baby's intestines. And all the mother could think was "oh, shit, oh fucking shit."

She reached her arms around the baby's body and hugged her. The toddler changed her cries to "up, hold me, up" and the mother responded just as expected. She slid her arm down the baby's back, over the cloth diaper cover and to the crook of her knees. She paused, its uncertain what hit her first, the smell or the feel but the feel certainly hit her the hardest. It was warm, oatmeal like but thinner. The smell was sour, fishy and sweet all at the same time. And the mother thought "Oh, shit!"

The toddler screamed "I is hungry" and the mother felt the baby's body contract and cling to her while then hearing the most god awful sound, similar to the farting flubber kids buy on the dollar isle but distinctly wetter, ththththtfffffllllurrrrppsh. And all she could do was hold her baby. Then it was quiet. The wave of odor rolled up causing and instinctual gagging, heaving response in the mother. The baby clung to her and repeated "I is hungry" and then the mother connected the cries to the intestinal contractions and she braced for the sound and smell but was still caught off guard by a new sensation. She felt the warm thin oatmeal sludge spill out of the diaper and roll, ooze and drip over her forearms. "Oh shit."

This repeated a few more times before the baby's guts were empty and she was quiet. The mother steadied the baby and stood up turning the bedroom light on. Looking down she saw the poor toddler standing in a pile of "oh, shit" and saw her own arms covered in "oh, shit" and she sighed "oh fucking shit". She quickly grabbed wet wipes and began cleaning off her arms, toddler legs and toes. Going fast and thankful for the powerfully fragrant wet wipes. 

The Mother's small dog came and nudged her to go outside. The mother said "not now, wait a minute and please don't add a pile to this pile" and continue cleaning the sweet but smelly toddler and herself. One million wet wipes and a diaper change later the toddler and mother were clean-ish. The mother returned to the carpet where the pile of "oh shit" was, prepared to exhaust another package of wipes but when she reached where the pile was she saw her smiling dog and a clean-ish carpet

"oh, shit".

I’m a Mom and I’m Bringing My Sexy Back

When you become a mother you give up lots of things, but sex and intimacy with your partner doesn't have to be one of them. Going through my first pregnancy was hard. My body was changing and my hormones were out of control. When I got to the end of my pregnancy, sex was the last thing on my mind. I was uncomfortable and couldn't see my toes. I longed to be normal again and have the closeness with my husband once again. I thought when my daughter was born I would once again have my body back and feel normal again. What happened when she arrived? I felt even more distance from the body I once knew. I was sore and once again had crazy raging hormones that made me feel like an alien. Fast forward 14 months, things were great in the intimacy department between my husband and I. Guess what happened next? We decided to have another baby. This time around sex was almost non-existent because I had a toddler watching my every move. I painfully made it through my pregnancy and healed very quickly from birth. I was craving intimacy and felt so lonely. I quickly became a person who no longer made excuses for why I couldn’t be intimate with my husband. I realized that my relationship with my husband was also very crucial to my children's happiness. I took control of how I felt about intimacy as a mom and I decided I would have fun and feel sexy again.

People will tell you all about the amazing joy and happiness you feel holding your newborn, but what people don’t tell you is you will feel like you never want anything touching your lady parts again. Not only are you trying to bond with your newborn, you are feeling a little alone and vulnerable. You may be thinking your partner will no longer find you sexy or that because you're a mom you can’t be sexy and fun in the bedroom. The stigma about sex in our society doesn’t help, but there is hope. If you make the time to take care of yourself and allow time for your partner and you to connect, you can get your sexy back.

I eventually got to a point where I was comfortable with sexuality and that even though I was a mother I could be sexy. I realized that sex is healthy, normal, fun, exhilarating and maybe even more fun when you have to sneak around and have sex in places you may never have thought of before you were a mother. Take society’s ideals about why you can’t be sexy as a mom and throw it out the window. Do what makes you happy and what feels right. As Mothers we have the right to the same amount of intimacy as any other woman.

I am going to share some of the ways my husband and I have kept our intimacy alive post babies. We try to make time for each other as much as possible. We attempt to go on weekly dates where we get dressed up in our best clothes and I spend time doing my hair and makeup. Sometimes these dates are at home (cook a nice dinner together and have some wine). We also have mini dates most nights after the kids go to bed. We enjoy a few glasses of wine while watching our favorite tv series or movies. We like to give each other compliments regularly and send flirty or sexy texts throughout the day. Having a strong intimate relationship with your partner starts with loving your body. It’s not easy to have your body completely transformed after having babies. I went from being 112lbs with a super flat and smooth belly to currently 135lbs with loose skin around my belly button and lots of stretch marks. I have come a long way in loving my body since having my first but I am still working on it. My husband tells me I am sexy and that he loves my body which in turn helps me to love my body more. My last tip is to sneak off for a quickie when your children are occupied. If you make an effort to be more connected and intimate you will reap many benefits. Having children can make it harder to connect intimately but without sex and intimacy a relationship won’t last long, so put those kids to sleep and bring your sexy back.

Mom Crush

Written by- Anonymous

Ever had a mom crush? I think I may have coined the term about a decade ago when I developed my first every mom crush!

Now, when I say mom crush, it's nothing sexual. I am describing a mom I instantly want to spend so much time with. One that I look up to and immediately begin secretly wishing that they were one of my best friends and we could hang out together every day.

My first mom crush was on a friend, before she had children. I went to a party at her apartment. This was the first time I met her and she had only just found out she was pregnant. She was so incredibly nice and had this glow about her. She also served what is now my signature party dish (a delicious baked brie with cranberries and brown sugar). Seriously, I served this at a party a couple months after trying hers and people raved about it for weeks. Anyways, as time passed I became friends with her. I ended up moving across the ocean, but we still kept in touch. The time I spent with her was always incredible. She's naturally very creative and possibly one of the best moms I have ever met. She has always been so calm and genuine with her daughter. Anyways, I could gush forever, but what I trying to get at is that she was the first.

It took over a decade before my next mom crush happened! It was with this mom that I met through a mutual friend. Again, she was a kindhearted and charismatic person. When she enters in to a room, love fills the air. She has kindness radiating from her. It must just be her positive ora. Every time I talk to her I am constantly blown away and completely shocked by her life stories prior to becoming a mother. As soon as I met her I thought, one day (when our kids grow up) I want to go camping with her and other friends and stay up all night drinking and laughing and hearing more of her wild and fun stories while sitting around a campfire. And not to mention she is a legitimate singer, so she could be on vocals if do some drunk singing!

My third mom crush came right around the same time as my second! I met this mom who completely blew me away. She is much younger than me in years, but wise beyond her years in life experience. I just can't even begin to express how mature she is. She's the kind of person who you want to have around you if you are having a melt down. She's so calm and level headed. When I met her I knew right away that I wanted to be her friend. How is this woman always so positive and kindhearted? I must have caught her on a good day. Nope! I have hung out with her on her "bad days", and she is still positive, optimistic, and kind hearted. One of those people that you can legitimately trust and will listen to you ramble on forever and just be 100% supportive.

I am gushing over these three incredible women because they deserved to be gushed over. I also found that they all have these traits that I have always wanted to have myself. I have always secretly desired to be an artist, a singer, and an entrepreneur. My first crush is actually an artist, she's a professional photographer. I have always dreamed of being a photographer. My second crush is a singer and has had a crazy, incredible, fun life. My life has been wild-ish, but not as much as hers... and she's a singer! You know what I always remember about a camping trip? It's the time spent around the campfire signing and playing the guitar. Both things I can't do, but have always wanted to. Finally, my third crush is a very successful entrepreneur and she operates her business from home. She has no support for watching her child, so she literally watches her little one while making important business calls! How does she manage?

I have noticed that my mom crushes all have something in common. They all have traits I wish I had. They are all very kind hearted, welcoming friends. They are all the type of people that would be there for you if you needed them. They all have interesting backgrounds. And they all light up a room with their presence. They are people who you instantly feel like they could be your best friend after talking to them for just minutes.

Which brings me to an idea... and it's going to be A LOT of fun! Unfortunately we have not set a date for it and I don't want to let the cat out of the bag too early, but I can tell you it's going to be a great way to meet new mom friends in Bozeman! Stay tuned to The Motherhood Bozeman page for more details.

Have you ever had a mom crush? Gush about it! I want to know...

Reclaiming My Sexual Desire

Written by- From One Mother to Another

There is this beautiful evolution that happens to women over time. This natural progression, combined with environmental experiences usually results in dynamic grown ass women.

Being a woman is hard. I will be the first woman to speak up and say “This shit is hard!” Being a mom is hard. I will be the first mom to say… Okay, you get the idea. Put being a woman and mom together and this shit will have nuts in it real quick.

Being in a relationship is hard, period.

I have lots of kids, lots of little horcruxes around (if you got the reference you are amazing!). I get asked lots of “experienced mom” questions. One of the hardest one starts off something like this:

Young mom: “How do you have time for anything?”

Me: I usually laugh and respond “I pee quickly and eat on the go!”

And then they repeat the question but with a different cadence and tonality, like a comedian setting up a joke with the perfect timing for me to get what they are really getting at. Like this:

Young mom: “No… I mean… uhm, how do you have time for… aaannnyyythiiiinnng?”

And then I get it. I can see the look in their eyes. They want to know how I have time for sex between diaper changes, work, wiping noses and teaching my kids to be nice humans. They also want to know when will “everything” go back to normal. And they mean their bodies, their desires, their energy and their life. My answer? It’s a hard answer. Ready for it?

IT DOESN’T.

That’s right, it doesn’t. Life will never be the same again, including sex. We evolve, we change, and we grow. That’s life. When you learn a new fact, you can’t go back to your mental state of being prior to learning the fact; you are forever changed. Same with Sex after motherhood. And that’s normal.

We are plagued and onslaughted with expectations such as: we should bounce back, we should be amorous, and ready for sex as soon as our partner is ready. What a crock of shit! Yup, I said it. Absolutely, a crock of shit.

Kids do squirrely things to us, our bodies and our lives. During my pregnancies, I experienced intimacy for the first time. I had this life growing in me, needing me, loving me without even truly knowing me. My babies were born and I felt connection, true connection for the first time.

I grow these tiny humans in my body and feed them from my body. Another person (a couple people, albeit smallish but still whole fucking people) passed through my body. My taunt young belly is now soft and supple. My breasts? Eventually found a new home at my knees. I had tiny humans, touching me, needing me and demanding me ALL the time. And I freely offer and give all my energy to those tiny hands but all I could muster was enough connection for them; they needed me for survival.

Most days I am touched out, I can only be touched so much before my head feels like it will explode.

And then, my partner looks at me and I know what he’s thinking… sex. Sex can feel like another need to be met, another person’s touch draining my energy that is nonexistent. There have been days… okay who am I kidding several days, when I haven’t showered, brushed my teeth or changed my clothes… and just thinking of sex drained me. And I felt selfish… let me say this again, I wasn’t able to shower, brush my teeth and change clothes due to the demands of keeping tiny humans alive AND. I. FELT. SELFISH.

I set the boundary that basic hygiene was a right NOT a privilege. If I didn’t have access to those rights, then the world was not a happy place and sex was not happening. I discovered what I needed to feel more like a human and less like a disaster. As I felt more human, my interest in sex grew.

I often hear mothers tell how they feel so bad they aren’t having sex, their “poor “partners. I realized that saying partners are more sexual than mothers is bullshit. Sex is something mutually enjoyed. I like sex. Not having sex is hard on me too. I shucked off the notion that not having sex is harder on my partner than me. If I have sex out of obligation that does a huge disservice to myself and my partner.  This isn’t me just arbitrarily choosing not to have sex this is me saying I AM TOO TIRED, NOT TAKEN CARE OF MYSELF, DOING 1 MILLION THINGS TO KEEP TINY HUMANS ALIVE and I can’t muster enough energy to brush my teeth let alone have sex. 

If I am tired or don’t feel like having sex, I don’t. I remind myself that it's important for sex to be enjoyable for both people, that my sexual pleasure, desire and wants are just as important as my partner's. I am just as sexual as my partner is I am just exhausted. That means when I do have sex, I don’t feel obligated or as if I am just meeting another's needs.  I have sex because it’s fun, and one of the best things about being an adult.

How to Love your Body In 2017

written by: Alysse Doty, founding member of The Motherhood Bozeman

circa 2012....pre-husband, pre-baby, pre-self-love regression

Body image...... 

      Oy....this is a tough subject for me. Yes, I did just have a baby 7 months ago, but I would be lying if I said this is the first time I have struggled with my reflection in the mirror.  

     I was 9 years old the first time I remember someone commenting on my body. One of my older-brother's friends was over at our house, and I'm pretty sure I was pestering them for attention, and he turned to me and said "You're fat."  I felt like he had punched me in my young guts…. I’m a 36-year old woman, and I can still hear him, I still feel the shame that this teenage boy made me so painfully in-tune with. From that day forward, it seemed my weight was all I heard or thought about.  

     Although I now know she was only doing what she thought was best, and she was trying to protect me from pain, my mother became obsessed with my awkward little prepubescent form. She bought me Slimfast shakes (barf), enrolled me in weight watchers and nutri-system, and commented on any piece of food she saw me put in my mouth... I was 10-years old..I didn't feel like I was a fat kid, but all I knew was that my form was wrong, and because of it I was not as loveable. So began my road to self-hatred. 

     I went from being a straight-A student, to purposefully not doing my homework, or turning in any assignments. I started overcompensating by trying to be the funny kid, though I'm pretty sure I just came off as annoying. My insecurity consumed me. I would come home from school dances sobbing my eyes out because no one had asked me to dance, sleepover invitations were non-existant, and I knew this was all because I WAS FAT! By 6th grade I started having my first thoughts of suicide. I knew no boy would ever be able to love my hideous form. No one would ever want to be friends with such an ugly little monster. I couldn't take it anymore. 

     Thank god I was too fearful of pain, or I may not have made it. Hating one's physical form is a terrible kind of suffering. I trudged through middle school, then high school, I actually became funny, so that helped. I even had a high school boyfriend for a while. I left for college and immediately lost 30 lbs. I attribute it to being away from the stress of my mother's weight-obsession, or perhaps it was my new-found starvation techniques I picked up hoping to befriend my stunning southern debutante roommate.  

     Even though the weight came off, the self-hatred grew. The only thing I wanted in the whole wide world was a boyfriend. I knew no man could ever possibly be ok with my body, so I would wow them with my super-cool personality, consume tons of alcohol, and sleep with them in hopes of them seeing how great I actually was..... For those considering this option, don't....... It turns out, that has never worked, not even once. 

     I failed out of college (turns out you have to go to class to get a grade) with an impressive 0.0 GPA, and moved back home. I started using drugs, alcohol and promiscuity as my preferred pain suppressant methods, and began hanging with an extremely dicey crowd. Subsisting (almost exclusively) on cigarettes and gin, I was down to a size 2, though my self-hatred had grown to a size 36XXXXL. Then, one fateful night, I was out with some girlfriends, while visiting an unknown town, and I was roofied and gang raped.....I don't remember much, but the flashes that I do remember are the things nightmares are made of. 

     Though, this is BY FAR, the most horrific thing that has ever happened to me, it may have saved my life. Of course, I told no one, but I was so fucked up by this trauma that I completely retreated from the social world. I began writing, singing, and playing guitar every single day. I got a nice safe and quiet job at a bookshop. I got a scholarship to study music at my local community college, and I poured myself into my studies. 

      It turns out that I have a gift for music, most especially singing. It was the first time in my life I felt like I was really good at something. I graduated from community college, and got accepted into, arguably, the world's best music school. I spent the next 3 years kicking ass at school. As I grew more confident in myself, I began teaching myself self-care (huge thatnks to SELF magazine.) I began to feel that I had power over my life, that I was not a victim of my body. I taught myself how to cook healthy food, bought a few at-home workout dvd's, and discovered yoga. I graduated, moved to the west coast, and began working at a vegan restaurant. 

     My practices grew to daily yoga and meditation. I devoured every book I could find on healthy and clean eating. I was thin and strong, but I still felt so ashamed of my body. New Year's Day 2010, I was writing down my yearly goals, and just when I was getting to the predictable place where I was going to write "I will weight 1xx lbs..." I paused..... instead I wrote "I am will love my body every day of this year." It seemed the most impossible goal I had ever written, but I was so determined to take this on. So, for the next 365-days, every morning, I would strip down and stand butt-naked in front of the mirror, and I wouldn't leave until I felt love for my body. THIS WAS SO HARD... at first. Slowly I got into it. I started dancing and flexing, showing off my yoga moves to myself. I became in AWE of my incredible form, the way my muscles moved together, the curve of my very feminine shape, even my tiny little boobs, I LOVED MY BODY! 

     Wouldn't you know, every part of my life expanded in love. I had the most incredible friends I could have ever prayed for, I was getting to sing and play my music all over the place, and I was overflowing with more joy and self-love than I could have ever imagined. I was unrecognizable from the abussed girl of just 8-years prior. 

     Fast forward 7 more years, and I am witnessing myself, standing in front of the mirror, 7-months postpartum, and a dark, mean and familiar voice has crept in. I don't recognize this soft stomach, these new thighs, and these wrinkles that have begun to gather around my smile. I can feel the lure of diminishment. I feel the familiar ache of disgust bubbling up, and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be that girl again, I can't, but it feels so hard right now! The thought of, not only, accepting my body exactly as it is, but loving it?!?! But I HAVE to! It is more important than ever to FIGHT for my self-love. I have the eyes of my husband and my son watching me. How could I ever let them know the terrible thoughts I've begun to have? I'm scared I'll never be able to love the way I look ever again... that sounds like a TERRIBLE way to live. Perhaps this is why I haven't taken the time to write down my goals for the new year, because I needed to have a come-to-Jesus about the way I've been thinking of myself. I know what I have to do, I'm scared, but I'm going to do it anyway, and I'm going to start today. This evening, after I put my son down for the night, I'm going to disrobe in front of our full length mirror, and beneath the glow of unflattering overhead lighting, I am going to love my body. 

It Takes a Village to Raise a Mother

Written by: Anonymous

Today, I woke up tired. Last night I went to sleep after midnight. I spent the evening getting my kids taken care of, feeding the baby, grading homeschool assignments and kissing boo-boos. It’s 9am, I have nursed my baby, made a pile of buttered toast (that my dog stole), pressed a pot of coffee (sitting untouched), taken the dogs out and am finally sitting down to drink my first cup of joe. 

Soon I will begin task mastering my day, starting the kids school, soothing a tantruming toddler, attending a business meeting and spending time working on paperwork for the job I am paid to do. 

On top of the million regular “to-dos” on my list I will make the holidays amazing for the tiny humans I live with by teaching them to make candy, decorate cookies, sing carols, attend holiday parties and and finish finding the perfect gifts. I will also sort the pile of holiday gifts sent to the kids from grandparents who live across the country. They are piled around the house, sitting in smiling brown boxes with the labels torn off. This means I don’t know who sent what and what is for who. I will wrap the presents the grandparents sent (sent without wrapping paper but with a note “Can you please wrap this?), they will be wrapped and bowed one hour before they skype and unwrap them. 

Thankfully, I am off for three weeks from my part-time job. This is the first time I admitted to the world around me that I needed a break. This means I may get some sleep. But it also means I will be plagued with guilt over admitting I can’t do it all. 

People ask me “How do you get so much done?” they smile and look at me with amazement, as if I should be emulated. I always laugh and say “I don’t sleep”. I laugh, they laugh, we laugh. Except, it’s really not funny because I should really sleep more. 

This morning I woke up frustrated because my partner went to bed early, leaving me to put the kids to bed. But he is working 12 hour shifts and is too tired to do much else. And I am frustrated because that seems appropriate but I need him to do more. Because I am the only one who even attempts to clean the house, does homeschool and prepares almost all the meals. I am frustrated because when I say “Lets hire some help cleaning” the response is “why pay someone to do something we can do ourselves?” Maybe I should send myself the bill. 

We are in the age of kids needing rides to meetings and events and I am navigating that mainly by myself. 

And then I come back to… I am tired. I am stretched to my limits. My life is go, go go. My work is give give, give I am tired and fill up on coffee and chocolate refills scattered throughout the day. 

Sometimes, I want to just walk away and give up. You can do six things well or a dozen things half-way. And I wonder which one am I doing. I am only one person, who is being pulled in every direction with so much needing to get done. And yet, I am sitting on the couch frozen, not doing anything as my to-do lists gets longer. I am wanting someone to come and save me from this chosen life. Wishing I had thought about all of this, thought about what marriage, kids and motherhood meant. 

I am sitting here drinking coffee flavored with tears and Irish cream because it’s how I get my morning going. I may not get a shower today but I will drink a lovely cup of room temperature joe. I am trying to hide my tears because if not one of my kids will ask “What’s wrong?” and I will struggle not to scream “Don’t do this… you will sacrifice all of yourself and will compromise everything you are because once there are tiny humans involved priorities change. And life is about trying to make them happy, make things good for them and keep them alive… Don’t do this because you will wake up and drink Irish cream coffee on the go instead of eating lunch… don’t do this, don’t listen to the happily ever after notion, don’t picture the sun setting on rocking chairs”.

Instead I will just answer truthfully and quietly with “I am just tired”. The day has just begun and I am tired, I’ve been tired for over a decade. 

People, who love me, continually suggest I just put something down and thin out my schedule. And I realize the suggestion isn’t an offer to pick anything up or an offer to help. This leaves me feeling left without a right choice because what do I put down? The kids school? Cooking? Cleaning? Work? The activities that make me feel alive? The ones that make me smile? Because no one else will pick what I need to put down.

As I type this out my kids are circling asking “What are we doing today?” while everything pile up around me, suffocating me silently. Things should be different, this isn’t what I pictured and I wonder if I should just let go of my expectations… which feel unrealistic at best… such as help. Should I just let go and fall into acceptance? Is this what it is and what it’s all about? At least then I won’t be disappointed. Maybe I should just go quietly into the night, no longer screaming silently because I have given up, er accepted. 

And then my baby crawls into my lap and her chubby fingers pat my cheek. My teen slides in the blanket I have been hiding under and puts his head on my shoulder and my edge softens. The tears slowly slide down my cheeks and my heart suddenly is so full it wants to burst. I receive a text from my partner which reads “Hope you’re having a good morning and that your coffee is hot”.

And I melt…

I look at this life around me and I see how truly amazing my life is. I am not alone. No one said this would be easy, it’s certainly not. And I am glad no one warned me or said “Don’t do this…”

And I remember…

I chose this. I wanted this life, this chaos this insanity. And I do this well. 

My daughter walks over and asks “Are you okay?” and I softly reply “Yes”. She then asks “Can I get you anything?” And I reply “How about a hot cup of joe?”

I realize something, I realize every mother needs a community, a tribe and a support system. Mine begins with my family and extend through The Motherhood.